Sexy Time.

Love is a many splendoured thing.
Holding hands, kissing, romantic violins.
It’s thoughtfulness and patience, can be a virtue or a sin,
but best as the exultant twang of bouncing bedsprings.

Now, please don’t think me fetishist, a perv, or over flirty
it’s just that sex didn’t go away when I got past thirty.
I’ve decided now to bare my soul, tell all, clean and dirty
‘cos the sexiest gift from boy to girl is simple honesty.

To fear sex is to be afraid of life and if you really are that scared
well I’m sorry but in my book, you’re nine out of ten parts dead.
Sex is the ultimate mystery, a tour of the body and head
and if you’re unavailable I’ll have sex with myself instead!!

Some people have sex for money
some get a free caress,
the difference is really quite funny,
when you pay, it costs you less!!

You know how it is when you’re making luuuuurve
and the woman’s a’ridin’ the bone,
the three little words you least want to hear
are, “Darling, I’m home!”

I don’t really believe in cheating,
don’t apply democracy to sex,
‘cos the first breath in adultery
is the only free one you’ll get.

Let’s face it, sex is undignified
with your bits swinging this way and that,
positions are ludicrous, noises are weird
and I’m supposed to take off my hat.

My Sunday School teacher asked me one day,
“What’s the difference ‘tween sin and shame you?”
I stuttered, “well it’s a sin to put it in,
and to pull it out – that’s a shame too!”

We know there are issues between the sexes
and I’ve figured it out in my mind,
God gave men a brain and a penis
but only blood for one at a time!
And women want just one single man
to satiate their needs
But a man? He wants every woman
to satisfy his greed!

We argued about positions, I said,
“Let’s swap, make a new start”.
She said, “I agree”, you stand at the sink”,
“I’ll sit on the sofa and fart!!”

I asked her to tell me, when we’re bumping tums,
of her orgasm – to make me aware.
She promised she would, but the root of our problems,
is apparently I’m never there!

I‘ll tell you the truth and I must admit
I don’t really know if I’m good at it.
I show respect and try my best,
never let her see me in just socks and vest.
Not too slow and not too quick
It’s all about the ‘bamboo’, waving as a wand
and the magic in the stick is to take her to beyond!
And so my voodoo I will weave
forever will ardently believe
our ‘horizontal jogging’ cannot possibly be a sin
if it stops humanity disappearing.

Well I could go on ad infinitum
though it’s far from my intention.
I merely wish to say just this
whilst you close your eyes in wonder
of the longest, sweetest kiss.
The deep desire to be desired
is a prospect that glitters and gleams.
And you’ll know it’s love if you can’t fall asleep
‘cos your real life is better than dreams.