Family Issues (twice removed)

Rattling along on the 6 o’clock train,
when along comes a chap who looks slightly strained.
I nod, say hello, quickly look down again
at my crossword; – ” ‘Hurts annoying people’?
Answer? Pains”.
My new companion looks rather intense
as if he needs the loo but has no pence.
He fidgets and sighs like he’s troubled and lost
while I’ve moved on to solve number two across.
He’s so distracting but I act like I care
though I didn’t expect such a huge overshare!
He’s telling me stuff I have no interest in,
about his relationships with wife and kin.
Then he blathers on about his work and boss
while I’m still stuck on number two across!
Frustration reaching fever pitch I put my pen away,
“You think I want to listen to you?” I turn to him and say;
“You think you have problems. well I’ll put yours in their place”
“You see they call my family – a national disgrace!

My story starts as a wonderful dream
when I met the light of my life.
A gorgeous widow named Clementine,
I was keen to make my wife!
Now Clemmie’s daughter, Dottie was both lovely and a little bad
cos a week after Clemmie and I were hitched, Dottie married my dad!
So Dottie – my step-daughter, is now my step-mum
and my horny dad is somehow – my in-law-son!!
That made Clementine, my wife you will recall,
the mother-in-law of my dad (who is also her father-in-law.)
Then Dottie had a baby who, as the son of my dear pops,
Is also my half brother – that’s where we should have stopped!
Because, if you’re still with me, I think you will discover
that makes me grandfather of the guy I call half brother.

Nine months later it got complicated;
didn’t realise what I’d done
though Clemmie and I were more than delighted,
when she gave birth to our son.
You see –
the baby’s half sibling Dottie (who’s my half-sister and my step-mum)
is also the baby’s grandmamma; but wait, there’s more to come!
My dad you will remember is the brother-in-law of my boy
whose step sister is my dad’s wife; good job we’re not that coy!
Coz I’m my step-mum’s brother in law, and it transpires when you think it through,
my wife is her own child’s aunt and my son is my dad’s nephew!

Think back, if you will, to the man on the train
getting quite confused the more I explained;
I said… “so what if your family confuse or make you mad?
they are mere trivialities – coz I, am my own grandad!”