The Bureaux of Arrangements.

Welcome, step inside – this is the Bureaux of Arrangements.
Sit down, rest awhile, I’ll get a contract for agreement.
Would you prefer tea or coffee, while you read my manifesto?
I urge you to read it carefully, see what I can and cannot do…

You’ll be surprised at the things I’ve arranged.
You’ll be amazed at the lives I’ve changed.

I’ve altered virgins and sent them to crime,
done religious conversions in double quick time.
Taken wrinkled old hags and restored their prime,
made a preacher man lie and a bigot change his mind.
These claims are one hundred percent genuine.
Here’s a form and a pen just sign the dotted line.

You’ll be surprised at the things I’ve arranged.
Let me tell you about the personnel I’ve engaged.

I have authors writing ministerial lies,
an action team training government spies, my planners are working on a third world war
with my musicians who will set it to a musical score.
I have men smuggling liquor on the southern shore,
you see? There’s not much you can ask, I haven’t tried before.

This is the Bureaux of Arrangements.
Just make a list of your requirements
for a deposit of ten percent
I will authorize commencement.
You pay the balance when the job’s at an end
make out your cheque to the Bureaux of Arrangements

You’ll be surprised at the things I’ve arranged.
You’ll be amazed at the lives I’ve changed.

I took an ice maiden and melted her heart, some fired up ladies and put out their sparks, discovered traitors and put them to death
and I’ve resurrected saviours who were running out of breath.
Now you know what the Bureaux can do
wouldn’t you like to know what I could arrange for you?

I could meet your most dire needs,
I could satisfy your most perverse desire.
I could pick you up when you’re down on your knees,
when your flame’s gone out, I can relight your fire.

This is not a game I play with you, every claim and every promise, is genuine and true.

I’ll sit you on a rainbow up there in the sky,
Cast you on a TV show make us laugh and cry.
I’ll make you rich, make you famous, make your dreams come true,
this is the Bureaux of Arrangements, in business for you.

THE BUREAU OF ARRANGEMENTS

Welcome — step right in,

take a chair,

relax that anxious mind.

Tea or coffee while we share

what miracles you’d like signed.

Here, therapy meets enterprise,

and progress comes on time.

You’ll be surprised at the lives I’ve rearranged;

you’ll be amazed at the souls I’ve changed.

I’ve softened preachers into charmers,

taught cynics how to pray,

made mindfulness from marketing,

and bottled guilt to takeaway.

I’ve melted trauma, packaged peace,

sold forgiveness by the piece.

You need a purpose? I can loan one —

renewable, monthly, professionally grown.

You’ll be surprised at the calm I’ve arranged;

you’ll be amazed at the truths I’ve changed.

My counsellors are miracle-makers,

trained in every latest “-ology.”

They’ll name your hurt, define your worth,

then invoice the psychology.

Regression, confession,

a guaranteed rebirth plan —

for a modest fee I’ll find your inner child

and rent it back to you by the hour.

Wouldn’t you like to know what I could arrange for you?

Don’t look away — I see potential.

That ache? We can reframe it.

That guilt? Monetise it.

You’ll leave this room transformed —

or at least convinced.

You’ll be surprised how balanced you feel

once you’ve signed our lifetime deal.

(reset, slower – sales pitch smooth)

I can meet your most secret need.

I can satisfy your most perverse desire.

I can lift you when you’re down on your knees,

and — should your light expire —

I’ll relight your fire.

Not metaphorically. Literally.

That’s an upgrade, of course.

(grin; softer)

This isn’t a game I play with you.

Every claim and every promise — genuine, true.

I’ll sit you on a rainbow, high in the sky,

cast you in a docu-series — make the nation cry.

I’ll make you rich, make you famous,

make your dreams come true.

This is The Bureau of Arrangements —

and my business… is you.

THE BUREAU OF ARRANGEMENTS

(Condensed to 42 lines; clearer satire of therapeutic vanity and self-help consumerism. Rhythm is regular, with sly rhymes that mirror a sales pitch.)

THE BUREAU OF ARRANGEMENTS

Welcome — step inside, take a chair.

Tea or coffee while we share

what I can do for minds in need

of gentle change — at lightning speed.

You’ll be surprised at the lives I’ve rearranged.

You’ll be amazed at the souls I’ve changed.

I’ve softened preachers into charmers,

turned misers into social farmers,

made gurus out of office clerks,

and charged them double for their quirks.

I’ve melted trauma, bottled bliss,

sold catharsis by the kiss.

You need a purpose? I can loan one —

signed and sealed, professionally home-grown.

You’ll be surprised at the peace I’ve arranged.

You’ll be amazed at the truths I’ve changed.

My counsellors are miracle-makers,

trained in every latest ‘-ology.’

They’ll teach you boundaries, charge you hourly,

and leave you smiling ruefully.

We do regression, confession,

and corporate redemption plans —

for a small advance, I’ll find your inner child

and rent it back to you by the hour.

You’ll be surprised how balanced you feel

once you’ve signed our lifetime deal.

So list your wounds and broken parts,

your goals, your griefs, your tangled hearts.

For ten percent I’ll start today —

I’ll validate your pain away.

Just make your cheque to The Bureau of Arrangements,

established, ethical, and government-approved.

We promise cure, or at least improvement,

and take full credit for either movement.

You’ll be surprised what I can do —

I can even make you believe it’s you.

————————————————————–

This version of me performing this poem features me, very inexpertly, accompanying myself on an out of tune guitar!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-3SUqh0c6k